I need to stop coming to work sober
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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