Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
But I just had this pork p�t�. It was dick grabbing.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
