He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
