I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
