Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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