The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
