i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
