do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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