Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
