Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Randomize
