I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
