If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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