Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
