I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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