nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
You're like the curious george of whores
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
