I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
