im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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