I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
