why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
