she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
