So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
