I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
