Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
