Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
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