I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
