Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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