is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
