none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
