did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
