Moan for me like Helen Keller
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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