Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
The struggles of a small town man whore
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
