Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
