don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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