Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
