Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
