Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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