the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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