So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
