I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Randomize
