i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
