I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I just gargled with NyQuil
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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