i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
