my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
