Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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