Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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