mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
