you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
