don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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