If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
