If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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