i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
