I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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